PN: I’ve been having a really difficult time lately, so I wrote this poem for myself. It’s definitely not the best poem I’ve written, but I don’t really care because it’s important to me, and it’s therapeutic to me.
A checkered table,
A dusty cafe,
Two chipped mugs of
That was the first time I ever saw you.
I was silent as morning mist,
Entranced by your disquiet eyes,
The mountain tops of your knuckles,
The way the teacup hung
Loosely in your grip.
I was silent and I could not breathe,
I was quiet in my curiosity.
But you loved my silence,
You loved it.
The silence was a euphoric sign
That we were blanketed in the comfort of company.
There was a time when we sparked,
Two stones clashed
And we set each other ablaze.
We carried each other into the unknown,
Foolishly fearless, but incredibly in love.
We were as invincible as the most powerful gale.
Often I found myself overwhelmed by the people I once was.
I trembled under the towering gaze
Of the stormy seas of failure,
The violent tides
That washed white noise into my ears.
I was afraid;
I felt springs leak through the gaps in my ribs
I thought for sure my ugliness would draw you away.
But you lingered like the single buoy,
Holding me afloat.
You told me I could swim
And you would be right there if I found
I could not.
You embraced the shadows within me,
And you were brave enough to stand firm
As the wild animal viciously roared,
And the wind screamed through my hair.
You were the first person
I ever, truly believed in.
The first person
Who understood that I couldn’t always be
This animated, perfect person.
And I couldn’t always be normal
And I couldn’t always leave the darkened forest
Of my despair,
No matter how many times I set it ablaze.
You were the first person to accept
That I was what I was,
And that I was a self destructive mess but I was also
A hurricane of beauty.
But distance rumbled in the turn of your gaze,
And I knew I was mistaken.
In a trembling attack,
Your eyes grew cold.
You told me I was toxic to you,
That every time my bones shook
I was a danger to myself and to you.
I was a poison,
And the poison leaked from me
In large clouds of black smoke
That gripped our necks firmly.
You were no longer a buoy but a large,
And I began to drown
In the increasingly icy sea.
We were sinking,
I had nothing to cling to.
We were two rusty anchors,
Held to each other by a
Weak, thinning rope.
We were drowning in the blackening sea
With nothing but your icy skin
To freeze us in place.
A blinding, snowy road,
Two figures trudging through the roiling dust
And unbearable cold.
That was the last time I ever saw you.
Silence enveloped us most of the way,
And I believed for so long
That you loved this silence.
But there was an echo,
And a gear turned and creaked
Somewhere beneath my skin.
You were no longer in love
With the way I silently studied
Your mountaintop knuckles,
With the way quiet would consume me
As I drew maps on your skin
Or found rest on your shoulder.
You were no longer in love with me,
Of the heavy, heavy anchors within me,
Of holding my trembling bones and telling me over and over
“I believe in you I believe in you.”
The rope that held us together snapped,
And I continued to sink
Into the darkened, black, sea.
And you were no longer an anchor,
But a soaring, beautiful creature
That swooped itself out of the stilled ocean,
Into the endless sky,
Never to be seen again.
And as I felt the rocky crevices of the sea floor
Touch my wounded back,
Traces of Earl Grey
Swirled on the tip of my tongue.