new format for my poems! I’m very proud of this piece, and I feel it’s my strongest poem in over 8 months. It took a lot of emotion out of me so I’m kind of sad now.
This goes out to a boy who doesn’t understand how much pain he’s put me through.
Our insides
Are shingles,
Shards of crimson ships
nestled between
our ribs.
I saw your zig-zag figure
loom over the balcony
and I knew the pacing tigers,
their ravenous eyes
long before
the pounce.
(PN: I’m always the last person in the entire household to go to bed and it was 2am and I couldn’t go to bed for the life of me, so I wandered the darkened, eerily quiet house and I felt like a ghost and it was wonderful because for that portion of the night I felt like I didn’t exist or rather I didn’t HAVE to exist and it’s all I’ve ever wanted. This is kind of a sloppy poem because mind you I was TERRIBLY exhausted when I wrote it in the darkest crevices of the night. And it’s also largely experimentation with word choice and arrangement.)
I am a ghost of the dark,
My fibres are
everything I once was.
It was all like a nail
Dug into the smooth leaves
of blank pages
Dug so deep,
like the agony of a thorn,
That the flawless pages are now
flawed.
A finger grazes the torn pages
pitifully,
A hand that has known the same pain,
over and over again.
But as the pages run and run,
Soon the mark of the nail
Diminishes,
And the leaves run smooth
Eventually.
I am a ghost of the dark,
My feet sailing on cold seas,
Find me and wake me from this
wandering longing.
(AN: This is kind of a sarcastic infomercial thing that I wrote. I was really angry. Enjoy an angry writer’s sarcasm.)
Step right up fellas, for the most useable girl in the world! Need a quick make out session? Want to forget past or otherwise current girlfriends? Need a fast stress reliever? Need a quick distraction that you can come back to over and over again? (Because let’s face it, once you got her attached she’ll never leave you! Wow look at that loyalty!) Then this girl is right for you! She doesn’t need to be treated like a human being because she clearly doesn’t have any emotions whatsoever and she’s more than easy enough to manipulate! Lead her on, take her on dates, and leave whenever you get bored of her! She’ll even get drunk so you can have your way with her! Don’t forget to give her ambiguous signals to keep her on a tight leash for future use! The Most Useable Girl in the World: nice n’ easy to manipulate, and even easier to dispose of! Get yours today!
(AN: This is more a stream of thought than a poem.)
People always say they want me to be happy
As they cross the threshold
And prepare to leave.
And frustration overwhelms me
Because everybody says they want me to be happy
But nobody is willing to stay and give me that happiness.
(AN: More experimentation. I wrote this on the spot)
I wish I had known
The hands that once held you so tightly
That every bone in your body shattered
Until you grew weary of every worldly whim.
I want to trace maps on your back
Without encountering those worn, desert roads.
I wish you were my first,
I wish you were my last
But such is the way of time.
I still remember the way your eyes spoke
Louder than any roaring foams of seas
How they shook with power
But quivered in tired, tired fear.
(AN: please bear with me, I’ve been doing a lot of experimental poetry as of late. AKA really raw and crap quality. It helps me think I guess. Enjoy anyway.)
I know one,
So afraid of sensitivity,
(Of the endless red seas and oceans
That flooded everyone’s entire being)
That they closed off,
Leaving cold confused eyes,
And all their nervous habits.
But oh, how could I love and love and love
(With brimming crimson seas and oceans)
Someone who has already turned to
Stone?
(AN: I wrote a thing. Please enjoy. I made it vague on purpose)
I poured the sweetness down the drain one day,
The liquid a neon splurge.
I could not tell if I would make it to May,
Because of how easily I could merge
With oxygen
and begin to rot.
The liquid, however, remained unaffected,
Though untouched for weeks on end.
and I could never understand how I felt so dissected
under eyes so burnt with bend
Bend, bend, bent,
Like the way my back arches in lonely defeat.
That liquid sweetness
It was the smell of his breath,
An addictive past
That I could not bring myself to open
Into such a cruel future.
The liquid resides in the drains,
Now,
and maybe soon, it will find its way to San Francisco.
As I lay in blank sheets,
The counter is silent,
but for a single, blue cap.
I’ll never forget
The way your hands opened
When all my life
I’ve only learned that hands always close.
My body is my home,
And you are not welcome here
Like a rock to a comb.
But maybe someday,
When you know all my dark corners
And hidden vaults
Will my hands open like wings of wildbirds
And never be afraid
Again.
I am the gap between mountains,
folding and collapsing in and around myself.
For without the depressions
Where would the crusty peaks be?
I stick the chalk between my lips and turn,
There is nothing left here for me.
Forget it all, let it burn.
I have fallen on knee.
And one day you will wake up,
And I will be long gone,
And your hands will cup
Your crumbling face ‘lone
Now, you will turn your head to the ground and mumble
“What have I done?”
Because it is not fair to me,
For us to have become this,
I am not a silent sea,
I am not a silent kiss.
The chalk sticks to my teeth now,
As I traverse the darkened, empty street.
A street where no cheer is sow
From the earth my feet meet.
I will be long gone, long gone,
I will be long gone.
I march in monotonous procession,
Along fuzzy lights lining the streets,
That never sing of home
Again.
You act like what you’re doing is harmless,
That getting me so invested in you and then slowly take me for granted,
That it’s all okay.
Because the truth is, it isn’t.
It fucking hurts,
So much,
Just feeling like you have no more interest in me,
That I’m just some silly girl
With her head in the clouds,
who can tolerate this
and who’ll never leave your side.
Because I’ve been through this shit before,
And I don’t need it again.
So you either tell me how it is,
So I don’t have to come up with so many questions.
Or just leave me to toss your name
Into the pit of other souls who’ve let me down.
I’ll be sure to add another brick in the wall
Around my inner most garden
That fortifies with every heart break.
Please tell me that what we had wasn’t a joke.
Please tell me that I wasn’t a joke to you.
Please tell me that you miss me and you wish I was there with you.
Please tell me again and again and again
That you need me and you want to see me.
Please give me some kind of hope to hold on to.
Because right now I am losing my grip.
All you have to do
is ask
and I’ll go to you.
I will drop everything and just go.
Because
I just need to know
what we are
and who I am to you.
So what are you waiting for?
Give the word and I’ll be there.
